


A blast from the past

by Simbanrat



Series: Not everything is as it seems [4]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Domestic Violence, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25773949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simbanrat/pseuds/Simbanrat
Summary: Another installment for this version of Ben & Callum. They are happy and things are going well, but Ben finds out something that threatens to ruin everything.If you haven't read the previous parts this will make no sense.
Relationships: Ben Mitchell/Original Male Character(s), Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Not everything is as it seems [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1781023
Comments: 55
Kudos: 93





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for depictions of previous domestic abuse. Also panic attacks, lots of angst and all that jazz.

Ben was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper. He had a coffee and plate of toast on the go and it was smothered in butter and jam, Callum layered it on for him before he had to leave for work. The meagre breakfasts he used to be made were a thing of the past, his boyfriend now would happily cook him a full English every morning if he asked for it. He loved Ben as he was, if he happened to have a little paunchy belly or not he didn’t care, he would simply rest his head there and place a kiss on his belly button, not even paying attention if it got a little bigger or shrunk back down. 

They were over the misstep they had in their relationship recently. They’d spoken about it a lot and although Callum had been distraught initially that Ben could think he’d hurt him, he understood completely it was an involuntary reaction. Ben had even taken him along to a counselling session with him, just the once, but the fact that his boyfriend was willing to let him sit in on a conversation he was having about such painful memories filled him with love and admiration. Listening to what Ben had gone through, and the emotional scars he would always carry were a whole lot worse than what Ben had told him about Micheal up until then. 

Callum realised his lover was keeping some things back from him, never giving him the full story of how his relationship with his ex had really been. He’d told him afterwards that he never had to feel as though he needed to disclose everything, whatever he wanted to tell him was fine and what he needed to keep to himself was up to him. Ben had simply thrown himself at the taller man, wrapped his arms around him and bumped his head into his chest, letting his boyfriend encase him and stroke his hair comfortingly. Callum continued to amaze him, knowing exactly the right things to say and what he needed to hear when he needed to hear it.

When Callum left for work that morning he’d placed the big plate of toast down in front of Ben, putting it on the paper he was reading and a big blob of strawberry jam fell off and plonked down onto the head of some z-list celebrity that was on the third page of the red top. He’d stroked Ben’s hair and the other man looked up adoringly at him. It made Callum’s heart skip a beat every time his boyfriend looked at him like that, still finding it incredible that such a special man would feel like that about him. Ben was truly the most amazing person he had ever met, to go through what he’d been through and to still be able to show him the love and affection he did was mind blowing.

He leaned down place a kiss on Ben’s forehead, telling him goodbye and that he’d see him later. The seated man raised his hand up and caught Callum’s cheek with his palm, stroking it and smiling up at him. “Thanks for breakfast babe” he said, appreciative of how his boyfriend made him food without him even needing to ask. “You’re welcome sweetheart, have a good day and I’ll cook dinner later if you want”. He leaned down again to kiss Ben’s mouth this time and held his lips there longer than he intended, wishing he could stay home and call in sick to be with Ben, instead he pulled back and ruffled his hair and walked to the door. He picked up his keys on the way and when he opened the front door to leave he turned and looked back at Ben again, smiling and telling him he loved him before he stepped through and left, pulling the door softly shut behind him.

Ben always had a warm feeling spread through him when his boyfriend told him he loved him. It was the first time in his life he actually felt it, the only previous declarations of love coming from someone who was incapable of feeling it, they were just empty words from him. From Callum though it felt real, every time he said he loved Ben it came straight from his heart, and the words flew straight into Ben’s own heart and he felt it beat that little bit harder, his whole body danced with the knowledge that this was real and he finally had true love in his life. 

He never thought he would feel this way about somebody, when Callum left the flat he missed him, as pathetic as that sounded. He loved when they just stayed in together, nobody else interrupting them and they would just lay together on the sofa enjoying the quiet time. When he was alone in the flat it seemed that much colder, Callum was like the sun, bathing everything he touched in a bright warming light, the rays from his existence spreading life and joy to wherever they reached. Without him it felt like a shadow descended on the room, if Callum was the sun then Ben was moon, bleak and shadowy, a cool uninviting light emitting from him, tendrils of chilly ice reaching around where he sat alone. 

No matter how much he talked to his counsellor, no matter how much he told Callum he still couldn’t shake the deep seated feeling of not being good enough. He wished he could break out of his own head sometimes, his internal demons did a real number on him and convinced him he wasn’t worth the effort at times. When he was with Callum it silenced the voices, telling them to shut up and that they were wrong. That someone like him could love Ben and want to spend time with him showed him that he was worth something, when he was basking in his boyfriend’s light he felt at peace. 

But it was hard, he’d spent his entire life feeling like he was worth nothing. Nobody up until then had made him feel as though he was good enough, there was always something wrong with him and it was hard to shake a lifetime of feeling inadequate. He might have now distanced himself from the people in his past that made him feel like that, but he was still the same guy with the same insecurities. When he was alone with his thoughts the demons crept back, reminding him of how pathetic he was, how much baggage he had and that Callum would be better off without him. 

He remembered how his family used to tell him he needed to change his behaviour or else he would lose Michael. They didn’t know the truth of course but he wondered if they thought the same now, that he needed to get his shit together or Callum would up and leave him. It was a constant worry for him, wondering if one day his boyfriend would wake up and see that Ben was wrong for him and he could do so much better. He could find someone who wasn’t damaged or had issues, someone that actually deserved to bathe in his light while Ben sloped off back to the shadows, to be alone or end up back in another destructive relationship. 

Ben picked up a slice of toast and took a bite, there was a thick layer of jam and it fell off the slice as he bit into it, falling and landing on the paper alongside the other blob that fell off earlier. The thin paper soaked up the liquid, quickly saturating the rag with the sticky substance and the red colour spreading out in an increasing circle to join the previous circle. Ben didn’t care too much of the paper, he wasn’t really reading it anyway, the news nowadays seemed to be full of reality tv stars with no talent or personalities, he wasn’t interested in what some bint from Essex was doing or who she was shagging. And he definitely didn’t give a crap who did her eyelashes or hair. 

He thought about cancelling the paperboy delivery, but Callum was more a fan of the newspaper than he was and he only started having it delivered when he moved in. His boyfriend hadn’t had a chance to read it yet this morning, it arrived late and the other man had to get off to work, Ben felt a little bad that he wouldn’t be able to read it later if it got any worse so he lifted his plate off of it and grabbed a bit of kitchen roll in the hopes he could soak up or brush away the worst of the mess. He dabbed at the jam and the tissue stuck to it slightly, not really helping and making it a bit worse. He opened up the paper to try and see how many pages it had soaked through and counted three before the paper was dry again. 

As he was brushing his hand over the paper, making sure that that was as far as the jam had gotten something caught his eye. A small headline in the corner of the paper, just one of those little snippets in a small box, not really important or grand enough for more than a couple of sentences, but it made his blood run as cold as ice. 

_‘A man will stand trial for manslaughter next week. Michael Day of London was arrested two months ago when police were called to a domestic disturbance. The victim was his boyfriend of six months, who was found beaten and unconscious, he died later in hospital.’_

Ben couldn’t breathe. The memories of Michael came flooding back, the year of counselling and trying to forget his ex faded away and all he could see was an angry face and painful fist. His stomach started to tie itself in knots and he felt sick. He made a run to the bathroom, just about making it in time before emptying the toast he had just been eating into the toilet. His whole body hurt with memories of the past and his arm started to throb in the spot where Michael had broken it. He tried to stand back up but his body wouldn’t obey him, instead his legs gave way and he fell back against the wall, sliding down so his bum was on the ground and he sat shaking with his arms wrapped around the knees he had pulled up to his chest. 

He didn’t know how long he was sat there but eventually he felt his limbs beginning to come back under his control. He closed his eyes and put his head back against the wall, taking a few deep breaths to try and control his emotions. Letting go of his knees he moved his arms to the toilet, grabbing a hold of it to help pull himself up, the stench of his breakfast still radiated from it and it made him feel sick again as he moved closer to it. Eventually he managed to stand back up and pulled the flush, sending the sickening contents into the gutter where they belonged. 

Ben stumbled over to the sink, lowering his head and turning on the tap to let the cold water run, he stuck his mouth under the flow and filled it up, swooshing around the liquid to clean out his mouth and spat it into the sink. He did it a couple more times to make sure the taste he had was gone and then stood up and looked in the mirror above it. He looked deathly pale, the healthy tan he has in Callum’s presence was nowhere to be seen and he had the white look of someone who had never seen the sun before. It sounded about right, he was back in the shadows where he belonged. He was stupid to think he could have anything else when his past was ready to jump out and pounce on him when he was least expecting it. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Descriptions of panic attacks and domestic violence in this chapter so giving you a warning.

Ben spent the next hour on his laptop, trying to search the internet for any information about his ex. He hadn’t heard from Michael since that day in his mum’s living room when he’d fallen over and bashed his head. He had been paranoid that the man would turn up again, that he’d contact him in some way but it never came. Ben felt great relief that he’d been able to move on and was being left in peace, able to start his new life with Callum. Now though it was as if the man was back in his life, the mention of his name in the paper was all it took to take Ben straight back to where he’d been. He’d been working so hard on his mental health, talking through his feelings and now it felt like he’d been wasting his time. 

Through the internet Ben managed to find out more about the case. Michael’s boyfriend was only 21, there was a picture on a local news website and he looked so young and full of life. His green eyes were shining, his smile wide and he had short blonde hair. It hurt Ben’s heart to think of this young man buried in the ground somewhere and not out there living his life. His name was Sam and he’d only been dating Michael for six months when he was killed. His family released a statement to say that the once outgoing and fun loving man became withdrawn and sad during his time with his boyfriend, they were worried about him but he was always telling them there was nothing to worry about, they were still suspicious of the new man though no matter how many times Sam told them there was nothing wrong.

Ben wondered how it was that this guy’s family picked up on something being off so easily, his own family never had any suspicions of what was happening with him. He didn’t know if he was just a really good actor or they just didn’t care enough to really look. But then he shook his head and told himself off, feeling guilty for thinking that about his loved ones, he knew they cared but he wondered how different his life could have been if one of them had noticed something earlier. Yeah ok he escaped Michael eventually and the physical injuries have healed bar a couple of small scars but there was no lasting damage. It hurt to think about how much emotional pain he could have spared himself though, had someone like Callum came into his life sooner and noticed that things were very wrong. 

He knew it wasn’t helping thinking like that. All the what ifs in the world can’t change the past and what happened and he could drive himself mad wondering what could have been. He needed to stop any sort of resentment towards his family, they didn’t know what was happening because he didn’t want them to know, had he shown them any hint of what was really going on he knows they’d have done something. It still hurt that nobody noticed though, it was something he hadn’t thought about before, but over time he’d started to feel let down at how isolated he’d become and how easily they believed his made up stories about the endless stream of injuries he sported. 

It was something he should really discuss with them, it had been well over a year since they found out about the violence but he still didn’t like to talk to them about it. He found the whole experience too upsetting when he spoke about it, their almost accusatory stares if he accidentally drifted into the subject, them thinking it was his own fault for not speaking up he imagined. His counsellor was different, she knew exactly how he was feeling, she knew the right things to say to make him feel better and to not blame himself for what happened. 

He tried to talk things through with Callum as well sometimes, but it was more difficult with him, he was the man he was in love with and he didn’t want to show any sort of weakness. He’d already shown far too much of that to him and as his dad has told him his entire life, ‘Mitchell’s ain’t weak’. He needed to quit with the pity party or else Callum would grow tired of him, it was something he was genuinely worried about happening. He’d already lost his dad for that reason, he hadn’t really spoken to him since he was beaten up over the failed car business and it probably wasn’t a bad thing, but it still hurt to be cast aside by someone who was meant to love you unconditionally. 

Ben continued to click on the various links the search engine threw up when he typed in Michael’s name, each one seemed to have the same basic information with a little extra embellished to make each article slightly different. The next one he clicked on had something none of the others had, it listed some of the injuries of the dead man and the way in which his boyfriend had attacked him. As Ben read through some of the autopsy results he felt sick. Top of the list was bruising around his neck, in what looked like the shape of fingertips. He shuddered and remembered a time when he had those same fingers gripping round his neck, he touched gently at the skin where once upon a time he had bruises too, closing his eyes and replaying the scene so vivid behind his eyelids. 

He couldn’t even remember the reason for the argument, most of them blurred and faded into one another and Ben could never work out what it was he did that was so wrong. He remembers apologising though, desperately trying to claw at Michael’s hands to loosen their grip on him while telling him he was sorry. The feeling of breathlessness in that moment came back to him and overwhelmed him, he clutched at his neck and opened his eyes, gasping his mouth wide open and sucking in some air, taking big deep breaths like he had back then when Michael finally let go of him.

The memory was too real and he could feel himself starting to panic, his chest started to feel tight and he didn’t think he was getting in any air. The phantom hands still felt as though they were tight around his neck, getting tighter by the moment. He closed his eyes and desperately tried to calm his breathing, knowing exactly what he was meant to do to recover from this but finding it difficult to control his own body. He pictured Callum’s face, smiling and happy in front of him, his blue eyes sparking and excited to see him. Making a conscious effort to slow his breathing down and imagining his boyfriend’s calming presence in the room helped him to get himself back under control. 

When he felt as though the feeling had passed he closed the laptop down and pushed it to one side having read enough. He was worried that if he read anymore about the injuries then it would have the same reaction as the first one did. He needed some real air, to get out of the flat and get away from the same four walls he’d been cooped up in all day. He was tired though and felt emotionally drained, it was just after lunchtime but he felt like he could go to sleep. He folded his arms on the table where he was sat and leaned his head down on them, letting his eyes flutter shut and not realising that he was drifting off. 

He didn’t get any restful sleep, it was dominated by Michael and was an endless stream of nightmares playing out in his head, a highlights reel of the many times he’d been on the receiving end of a punch, slap or kick. Ben’s head jerked slightly as he dreamed of the first time he’d ever been slapped by his boyfriend, there was an argument, a disagreement and some shouting, Ben was shouting back, giving as good as he got and standing up for himself. His boyfriend’s face contorted in rage, angry that Ben wasn’t listening to him or backing down. All of a sudden a hand came flying through the air. Ben caught the sight of it out of the corner or his eye and before he knew it it made contact with his face. The open hand slapped his skin, the sound of it loud in the flat and whatever Ben was in he middle of saying got stuck in his throat.

They stared at each other in shock, Michael’s face was genuinely aghast, unable to believe what he’d just done. Ben felt the tears in his eyes, his eyes watering at the sting radiating from his skin, the flesh warm and pinking up. Ben tried to blink back the tears, his dad’s voice in the back of his head about Mitchell’s not being weak, looking at his boyfriend and trying to process what just happened. Michael moved to step closer to him, Ben felt himself take a step back and he was unable to take in the uttered ‘sorry’ the other man was repeating over and over to him. 

The scene melted away in his mind, replaced by another equally vivid one. He was sitting watching tv, some crap hangover friendly show after a night out drinking and having fun together. He was trying to concentrate on the programme, but the dream wasn’t precise enough to show him what he’d been watching at the time. He could sense Michael coming up behind him and he stood towering above him, looking down at Ben. Ben thought that the other man was going to lean down and kiss the top of his head, it was a regular show of affection for him but Ben was shocked by the pain and high pitched noise suddenly in his good ear. 

It took him a minute to realise what happened, he was disoriented by the blow to the head and the loss of hearing, his eyes no longer able to see the faceless programme in the confusion. Michael had used something Ben had told him private about how the boys in prison would steal his hearing aid and punch him in his good ear to leave him vulnerable against him. The taller man walked around the sofa and stood in front of him, leaning down so he was right in Ben’s face and he reached out and gripped Ben’s chin to get him to look at him. Ben’s eyes were flickering around, finding it hard to focus on Michael’s face, the room unbalanced and an unfamiliar noise in the background but he could work out the word ‘slut’ forming in the other man’s mouth. 

As the scene changed again he saw Michael drawing his leg back, his foot travelling behind him and as he went to kick Ben he felt himself being woken up, whether it was his own subconscious or the hand on his shoulder he didn’t know. He was just relieved he didn’t have to relive the shocking pain he felt originally as Michael’s shoe made contact with his calf. He jolted awake and his head shot up so he was in a sitting position, he blinked open his eyes to be met by the concerned face of his boyfriend looking back at him.

Ben was panting slightly from the nightmare and feeling lost by being pulled out of his painful memories and back to the present where he immediately felt safer. Callum moved his hand from where it had been on Ben’s shoulder and let it slide to Ben’s face, seeing how confused his boyfriend was he was wanted to check he was ok and was stroking his face to try and ground him to bring him back from wherever he had been in his dreams. 

“Hey sweetheart, bad dream?”

“What time is it?”

“Just after 5, are you ok you seem confused”

“I’m fine babe, just got a bit of back ache by falling asleep here”

Ben tried to sound casual and normal, however Callum didn’t look like he was too convinced by the explanation but he knew better than to push something that Ben didn’t want to talk about. He simply smiled and stroked his face again then kissed his forehead before he told Ben he was going to get started on dinner. Ben watched him turn to the kitchen and open the fridge, rooting around for what he was going to cook, Ben found himself looking towards where his laptop was sat, checking it was shut down and Callum couldn’t see what he had been looking at earlier, he didn’t want to bother his boyfriend with it.


	3. Chapter 3

Callum noticed how quiet Ben was. They were sitting opposite each other at the table eating the dinner he’d cook for them when he got in from work. Ben was looking at his plate and pushing the food around, one elbow on the table and his head resting in his hand. He looked as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he wanted to be somewhere else right now. He’d barely touched his dinner, just a couple of mouthfuls which he chewed slowly and looked as though it took a lot of effort to swallow. It felt like he was looking anywhere but Callum’s direction and he was really beginning to get worried. 

“Sweetheart are you alright?”

Ben continued to look at his plate and push the food around so Callum tried again, reaching his hand out to softly touch the hand which was holding the fork. Ben slowly flicked his eyes up from where they were looking to Callum’s face, seemingly only just realising that his boyfriend was talking to him. 

“Ben is everything ok?”

It felt like it took ages for him to respond but when he did it was the smallest nod of his head, his eyes looked blank though and clearly there was something very wrong. Callum was torn between not wanting to push and needing to know if the man he was in love with was in trouble somehow. He’d been absolutely fine when he left for work that morning, smiling and joking with him so he was confused as to what could have happened in such a short space of time to bring on this change. 

“Talk to me, I’m worried about you”

“I’m fine”

Ben tried to smile, the tiniest of movement of his corner of his mouth and he looked close to tears but he was determined to not open up. Callum stood up and went to crouch down next to him, he put his hand on his thigh and waited for him to look at him before he spoke again. Eventually the other man directed his gaze to him. 

“Do you need me to call Sam?”

Ben’s eyes widened and looked panicked, why was Callum talking about Sam, what did he know, did he know about Michael, how did he find out, so many questions were swirling around in his head he almost missed what Callum was saying to him. 

“I’m sure she could fit you in if you’re struggling today”

Ben felt himself relax, understanding that Callum was talking about his counsellor rather than the man Michael had killed. Relief flooded through his body that Callum didn’t know about the other Sam, he really didn’t want to talk or think about it, his body and mind were still tired from earlier that day and he didn’t think he could face having to go into it now. He tried to smile again to give some reassurance to his boyfriend and that he didn’t have to worry about him. It didn’t help and Callum was looking at him with some real concern.

“I might give her a call tomorrow”

Ben hoped that by offering to call his counsellor himself that Callum would be less stressed about him, the last thing he wanted was to make him feel bad and if he thought Ben was going to go talk to Sam then he would hopefully feel more relaxed. Maybe he should call her, it might help to talk to her rather than worry his loved ones again. Callum smiled at him and squeezed his thigh where his hand was still resting. His face looked less tense and Ben felt himself relax a bit more knowing he had removed some of Callum’s worry. 

“I’m feeling a little tired, I might go lay down for a bit if you don’t mind”

Ben was exhausted, emotionally he was done for the day and he just wanted to hide out in a dark room by himself. Callum put his hand on Ben’s forehead to see if he had a temperature, concern spreading across his face again that he was sick. Ben reached up and caught his hand, bringing it away from his head and holding it for a moment. 

“I’m ok Babe, I just need to go laze around for a bit”

He gripped Callum’s hand and managed a proper smile, Callum smiled back and seemed reassured. He stood up and back from where Ben was sitting so he could get up and head to the bedroom, he paused briefly to give Callum a quick kiss on the mouth before he turned and headed off leaving Callum to watch him walk away. Ben seemed a little more himself as he got up but Callum was still worried, he was all out of sorts and seemed to be so withdrawn. He knew there was something going on and just hoped that if Ben was to talk to Sam then he would be able to work through whatever was going on with him. He picked up Ben’s plate, still full up with food but messy from being played with and he threw it in the bin. He’d make him something else later if he was hungry. 

  
When he’d done with tidying the dinner things away he went and poked his head in the bedroom, the curtains were drawn and the room was dark. Ben was curled on his side facing away from door and Callum could hear a soft snore coming from him. He felt relief that Ben was able to get some sleep and he wasn’t hiding away and festering alone. He needed to check for his own peace of mind that Ben was sleeping soundly, he’d looked restless when he woke him up earlier slumped on the kitchen table, whatever sleep he’d had then wasn’t restful at all. At least Ben was looking more relaxed in his sleep now. 

Callum pulled the door almost all the way shut, leaving it slightly ajar so if Ben needed him he would hear him calling out and he went to sit on the sofa. He turned the tv on and sat back, putting his feet up on the coffee table. He didn’t do this often, sitting alone watching tv, Ben was nearly always with him or they were out together. He didn’t know what to watch so he flicked through the TV guide on the sky box and hoped he would find something he fancied. He couldn’t so in the end he put a music channel on, a habit he’d picked up from Ben when there was nothing else on to fill the silence in the room while doing something else. 

He remembered that he hadn’t had a chance to read the paper yet that day and went to see if Ben had put it in the magazine rack. It wasn’t there though, he knew it had been delivered because Ben was reading it when he left for work. He went to check to see if it was sitting on one of the chairs in the kitchen but again there was no sign. He guessed he wasn’t going to get to read it after all so went to the bookcase and grabbed a book he’d been meaning to read for ages. He’d bought it on a whim after reading a good review and it had been sat on the shelf for months, the spine pristine and never cracked open. 

He took it back with him and sat back down on the sofa, swinging his legs round so he was laying down and put his head on the arm, opening the book and resting it on his chest as he started to read. It felt like he had barely started when he felt his eyelids getting heavier, he was finding it hard to concentrate on the words as his eyes keep losing focus and closing on him. The music channel was playing away quietly and eventually the current song lulled him to sleep, the book falling shut in his lap. 

He awoke some time later, a soft whimper cutting through his sleep. He opened his eyes and blearily looked at his watch to check the time, it was 10pm and he’d slept the evening away, he sat up and felt a pull in his neck from where it had rested on the arm of the sofa and he heard the whimpering noise again. He looked worriedly towards the bedroom door where the noise was coming from and stood up to walk towards it, the book that was still sitting on him fell to the floor. He put his hand on the door and pushed it open quietly and looked at Ben’s sleeping form. He’d twisted all the covers up, the material a mess around him and his head was moving as he made the whimpering noise again.

Callum’s heart hurt, clearly Ben was in the middle of a bad dream and he was upset on his behalf for all of the awful things in his life that could be causing his restless slumber. He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke Ben’s hair gently, hoping to calm him through his unconscious state rather than wake him up but the touch caused Ben’s eyes to snap open and for his breathing to quicken as he looked at Callum with fear in his eyes. 

“Shhhhh sweetheart it’s ok it’s just me”

Ben recognised where he was and who was with him and the fear started to drain away as his breathing began to return to normal. He looked at Callum and even in the dark room he could see there were tears in Ben’s eyes. He continued to stroke his hair, hoping he would find it comforting and eventually Ben turned on his side towards him. Callum moved himself so he laying down next to him and stretched an arm out to invite Ben in, the other man took the invitation and moved over, resting his head on Callum’s chest and hooking his leg over one of his. He brought his hand up to face and started to chew on his thumbnail, something he did often with nerves. 

Callum wrapped both his arms around Ben, holding him close and letting him feel that he was there for him. He desperately wanted to ask what the hell was going on and but he knew from past experiences he needed to let Ben take the lead. He hoped it wasn’t going to be too much longer until he was able to open up about what was bothering him. They laid in silence for a while, Callum now stroking Ben’s hair again and he started to wonder if the younger man had drifted off back to sleep, until Ben started to talk. 

“I was dreaming about the day you found me in the bathroom”

“Oh sweetheart, are you ok? You’ve not had that happen since….”

He tailed off, not wanting to mention the last time Ben had nightmares was when his dad beat him and everything that was happening around that time. Partly not wanting to think about it again himself and the part he played in how that all went down.

“I… I saw something in the paper this morning and I’ve been having nightmares and flashbacks ever since”

“Oh Ben, why didn’t you call me, I’d have come home if you needed me”

Callum moved his head down and kissed the top of Ben’s head, wanting to show him some comfort without making too big a deal out of it. He didn’t ask what he’d read, still wanting Ben to know that he was in the drivers seat about what he told him. He carried on stroking his hair and let the silence continue. Eventually Ben spoke again. 

“Michael…”

Callum instinctively stilled his hand in Ben’s hair, the name of the other other man making him rage inside. He moved his hand to Ben’s shoulder and started to run it up and down the length of his arm.

“It said he’s standing trial next week, they say he killed his boyfriend”

Callum’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in shock. No wonder Ben had been withdrawn, the very mention of Michael’s name was bad enough, but the added information about what happened with his next boyfriend was scary. It could so easily have been Ben had he not been able to get away from him. He brought his arms around Ben again and held him close as he felt a wet patch blossoming from where Ben was resting on his chest and crying. 


	4. Chapter 4

Ben made an appointment to see Sam the next day. Callum had spent the night holding him and let him speak quietly into the darkness, he couldn’t even hear everything he was saying but he knew that didn’t matter. Ben wasn’t talking to Callum, it was more to himself and he knew that the muttered words he spoke into his boyfriend’s chest weren’t going to reach his ears properly. He did that sometimes, talked about something that was bothering him to get it out, but not wanting anyone to actually listen. As always Callum was there to let Ben do whatever he needed to get through the night. 

When he’d eventually dropped off to sleep again Callum laid awake and watched him. The emotions that spread over Ben’s during sleep were scary. His brow furrowed and his eyes scrunched shut tightly. His head jerked occasionally and every so often he’d raise his hands towards his face as if he were trying to protect himself. This was the first time Callum had seen his boyfriend like this, before when he’d had nightmares it was a quiet gasp as he woke up to get away from the memories. Now it seemed as though he was reliving the worst parts again, replaying all the pain and fear he felt back then. 

Callum wanted nothing else but to shake him awake and rescue him from his own mind, but he knew he needed rest. He hoped that if the dreams got too bad he’d wake up from them and he’d be right there to comfort him. After another hour or so of Ben mumbling and moving about he appeared to fall into a more restful sleep. His face took on a more calm look and his head settled into a relaxed position. It felt as though he was over the worst of the dream and hopefully he’d be able to get some proper rest. 

Soon after Callum fell asleep himself but was still awake enough to listen out in case Ben started to struggle again. Luckily Ben slept the rest of the night and when he woke up in the morning he was feeling more rested. Thankfully he hadn’t seemed to remember the nightmares he’d had when he’d first fallen asleep this time and Callum was thankful, it looked awful to him and he hated to think how bad it was for Ben to have to go through it all again. 

Callum offered to make Ben some breakfast when they were up and showered but he declined. He was worried about how little Ben had eaten over the last 24 hours but he didn’t want to force him to eat if he didn’t want to. He asked his boyfriend if he wanted him to go to the counsellor with him and Ben nodded that he did, asking if he could wait outside the office for him after. Callum rang his work and said he wasn’t going to be able to go in today, explaining about a family emergency. He was a good employee and got on well with the manager so he told him to not worry and he hoped that whatever it was was ok. 

While Ben was talking to his counsellor Callum sat outside on his phone, doing the exact same thing that Ben had done and googled Michael to find out the details. He could see why Ben had the reaction he did, it all seemed so familiar and could easily have been him had he stayed with him. It reminded Callum of the friend he lost, the one who like this Sam guy wasn’t able to get away from their violent partner. It brought back the bad memories he had of when he got the phone call to say she’d died. He’d tried so hard to save her, to try and convince her to run away but ultimately it was hopeless. She was gone and the man who was responsible was still in prison. 

Callum was so thankful that he met Ben that night at the E20. If he hadn’t he couldn’t stand to think of what would have happened. It was fate that took him there that night, a blind date masquerading as a blessing in disguise. Callum felt sick at the thought of Ben still being with Michael, or even worse, what if he’d ended up the way the same way Sam had. He shuddered at the thought, his stomach twisting in knots that he might never have got the chance to meet the man he loved more than anyone or anything he’d ever loved in his life.

When Ben came out of the room he was in his eyes were red rimmed but he was smiling softly. Whatever had been said inside was obviously traumatic but he looked as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Callum was so grateful for the counsellor, she gave Ben the outlet he so badly needed to talk about his feelings, knowing that he was uncomfortable doing it with him or his family. He stood to greet him and Ben walked straight at him, snaking his arms under Callum’s arms and hugging him close. The taller man embraced him and held him tight, feeling the tension Ben had been feeling that morning melt away. 

“I’m sorry I worried you” Ben mumbled into Callum’s chest, “I just didn’t know how to process things and I bottled it up”. Callum leaned his head down, kissed the top of Ben’s head and reassured him it was ok, he was just glad that Ben was feeling better and whatever he needed he could have. “I just want to go home Babe” he said as he drew back and looked up at his boyfriend. Callum nodded down at him and hugged him again. “Let’s go home then sweetheart”.

When they arrived back at the flat it almost seemed as though Ben was his usual self. He offered to make lunch and sent Callum to go sit on the sofa while he put some bacon on to fry. Callum turned the tele on and got engrossed in an episode of some crap daytime tv, not noticing how long it was taking Ben to cook the bacon. Eventually the smell of burning alerted him to the fact Ben was staring off into space, spatula in hand hovering above the frying pan as a bit of smoke started to radiate away from the hot surface. 

Callum walked over to where he stood and turned the hob off, taking hold of the handle of the frying pan and moving it away from the residual heat of the now extinguished flame, it continued to spit out of the pan, making itself known that it wasn’t happy at being overdone. Ben noticed when Callum’s hand reached to turn off the flame and he apologised for ruining their lunch. 

“Don’t worry about it, I like my bacon crispy”Callum said as he leaned his chin on Ben’s shoulder for a second before he pecked Ben’s cheek quickly, placed his chin back on his shoulder and wrapped his arms around the smaller man’s stomach, drawing him to him so his back was resting against his front. 

“Are you alright sweetheart, really?”

“Yeah, sorry I was just thinking”

“About?”

“I wonder if I could go and sit in at the trial, Sam said it might be good to get some closure”

Callum tightened his arms around Ben, wanting to protect him and not let him go anywhere near Michael again and not being to stand the thought of them breathing the same oxygen in a room together. He wanted to tell him not to, to stay away and be safe at home with him, but if the counsellor thought it could help, or Ben needed to do it then he was going to support him. 

“Do you want to go Ben? Because if you do I could come with you if you want”

Ben turned around in his arms so he was facing him, face full of wonder and surprise at the offer.

“You’d do that?” 

“If you want me to then of course I would”

Ben reached up and cupped Callum’s cheek, Callum allowed his eyes to shut momentarily at the touch and he felt Ben’s lips on his. He raised his hand so it was on the smaller man’s face and then stroked down his neck as Ben pulled back to look at him. “Thanks Callum, it’s amazing to know you’d do that for me”. Callum sighed, “I’d do anything for you” and kissed Ben back, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close to him. The man he held in his arms was the most important person in his life, he would move the world for him if he could and he needed Ben to know how amazing and special he really was. 


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next few days Ben started to feel the nerves about seeing Michael again at the trial. He wasn’t going to be anywhere near him, or talk to him at all but just facing the past was going to be difficult. He had moments where he felt confident that he was doing the right thing, hoping that by seeing the man again he could draw a line under that part of his life, but Callum wasn’t sure he believed it was real, more put on for his benefit so Ben didn’t worry him. Callum reminded him right up until the morning of the trial that he didn’t have to go and could change his mind at any time. When he saw the bag of nerves Ben was as he was trying to do his tie up in the mirror he wanted to wrap a blanket around him and send him to bed, keep him safe and cocooned at home, but Ben was determined. 

Callum had found out the day, time and location of the trial a few days earlier. There was no point in Ben psyching himself up to go if they didn’t have the right details about where it was happening. He’d checked to make sure that they could just rock up and walk in, secretly hoping that randoms off the street weren’t allowed, but unfortunately they were. They had all the information they needed to go but Ben was struggling with his tie so Callum walked up behind him in the mirror, putting his hands on his shoulders and smiling at him as he caught Ben’s eyes in the reflection. 

“Do you want me to do that for you” 

Callum reached his hands out to put over Ben’s which were gripping tightly onto the thin black material he was wrestling with to tie in a knot. Ben nodded at Callum in the mirror, relieved to have the calming aura of his boyfriend to help him to relax somewhat. He turned around to face Callum and cast his eyes down towards the floor, letting him sort out his tie for him. Callum made short work of it and moved the knot up to sit in the gap in the collar and tucked the tail end in between a couple of buttons, lowering the collar down and brushing some imaginary fluff off of Ben’s shoulders. “Perfect” he said as he finished and placed his hands on both of Ben’s shoulders, Ben lifted his eyes to look at him. 

“I’m not sure if I can do this”

“Ben you don’t have to go if you don’t want to”

“He’s haunting my dreams, I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I feel so on edge all the time, like I haven’t slept in a year. What if Sam’s right and it gives me some closure. What if I see him and know he can’t hurt me again. I’m terrified of seeing him but I can’t live like this anymore”

Ben had tears in his eyes, Callum couldn’t help but notice how badly Ben had been sleeping since he found out about the trial. That first night after he’d had a counselling session he seemed to settle quite well, but a few hours of restful sleep gave way to tossing and turning and Ben suddenly sitting bolt upright and struggling to breathe, the nightmares all too real to him. 

Each night after that followed the same pattern, with Ben barely managing more than a couple of hours of sleep each night, ending up in the living room on the sofa watching dodgy American infomercials in the early hours. Callum had tried to go with him to keep him company but Ben insisted he slept, there was no point in them both suffering. Instead Callum would lay awake in bed listening out for Ben in case he needed him for a couple of hours before he managed to fall back asleep again. He would wake in the morning to find Ben sitting on the sofa with his knees up to his chest, one arm wrapped around them and chewing on his nail again. 

When his mum had walked into him in the square a couple of days ago she was immediately worried, his eyes were dark and puffy from the lack of sleep and he looked pale from barely eating, his stomach not wanting anything in it because of the nerves. She tried to ask him what was wrong but he said he was in a rush and had to get off to work. She watched him go and quickly rang Callum to find out what was happening, scared that something was seriously wrong with her son. He didn’t get into it but told her Ben was having a rough patch but it was going to be OK. She was unconvinced but had learnt after the last time she got involved in the Phil business to not interfere. Although her and Ben seemed OK she could still sense a tension from him when they saw each other, him not entirely trusting her anymore and it broke her heart. She had to believe that Callum was right and things were going to be fine for him because there was no way he was going to be going to her with his problems for a while. 

With Ben’s tie now sorted out they were nearly ready to go. Callum offered him something to eat which he knew was a waste of time, but he did it anyway on the off chance. Of course Ben said “no thanks” and just got himself a coffee instead, seemingly living off the stuff these past few days to get him through his working days. He gulped it down, enjoying the feeling of the almost scolding liquid burn on the way down as the bitter taste lingered in his mouth. As he placed the coffee mug down on the worktop Callum pointed out it was time to go. Ben felt his stomach flip and the nerves set in, it was ridiculous but he felt as though he was the one that was going on trial rather than just merely sitting in a courtroom watching. 

“One more time, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to”

Callum offered as he put his hand on Ben’s shoulder and turned him to face him, hoping that he’d change his mind at the last moment. Ben looked at him for a minute and brought his hand up to his cheek, letting it gently rest there as he leaned up and placed a chaste kiss on his boyfriend’s lips and Callum could taste the coffee that Ben had just finished. He pulled back and looked at Callum again, a small barely there smile on his face

“I know you’re worried about this, I am too, but I have to know it it helps. I need this to stop”

Ben pointed a finger at his head, demonstrating the urgency for what was going on in his brain to stop. This was all he had to focus on right now, the tiny hope that his counsellor had given him that it might help him to move on was his only option. He needed it to work, he couldn’t take the flashbacks and memories any longer. It amazed him that at the time he slept soundly, when he was with Michael it never seemed too bad, it was just his life, the way his relationship was and how Michael would treat him. It was what it was. Even after that last beating, when he genuinely feared for his life he didn’t have the nightmares. He just felt the relief of being away from the man. 

Now though, being with Callum this past year and a half, knowing what love should really be and how someone should be treated in a relationship, it made Ben realise what he had with Michael was hell. Being on tenterhooks constantly, scared that any little thing he did or said ‘wrong’ might start an argument. That wasn’t how it should be. The way Callum treated him was how it should be. The way he looked at him as if he was the only person in the world, the way he would reach out and touch him just because he wanted to feel him there, the soft and gentle kisses he’d trace over his entire body not because he was apologising for a bruise but because he loved every inch of Ben’s flesh. 

The contrast of then and now was crazy and it made him hyper aware of what he’d really been through, never having allowed himself to dwell on it before. He’d not started to have real trouble since the incident with his dad. The punches from him setting off memories long forgotten and feelings he wished had stayed buried. They only happened short term though and intermittently so it wasn’t too much of an issue and was something he could live with. When he’d seen Michael’s name in the paper though, seen that he’d done it to somebody else it brought all the memories back. Ben could remember every single punch or kick and he felt them all too, the floodgates well and truly opened in his mind. 

“I can’t cope with this anymore Callum, the constant nightmares and reminders of how I used to be and feel”

Callum nodded, he had known what Ben was going to say before he said it, but he had to try one last time. He reached his hands out and put one either side of Ben’s face as the smaller man looked up at him, he relaxed into the touch and his worried face looked slightly softer. Callum kissed his nose and he felt Ben sigh and relax at the touch before he then placed a kiss in his lips too. Ben kissed him back gently, pursing his lips slightly. 

“Let’s do this then huh” He said as he pulled back and Ben opened his eyes to look at him, nodding his agreement and taking a deep breath, preparing for what was to come and what was about to happen. 


	6. Chapter 6

As the taxi pulled up in front of the court Ben was chewing on his nail and bouncing his knee up and down. Callum reached down and put his hand on the dancing limb to still it and noticed there was blood on Ben’s hand where his thumb was sat in his mouth. He grabbed at it and pulled it away from his face, inspecting it and seeing that Ben had started to chew on the skin surrounding the nail where it had gotten too short to get his teeth at. 

“Sweetheart, you’ve got to stop biting this, it’s going to get sore”

Ben had been staring forwards, watching the back of the taxi driver’s head and hadn’t been aware of what he’d been doing. But when Callum spoke to him he blinked back into his surroundings and looked at his boyfriend who was frowning at him and holding his hand. He saw the blood on his thumb and realised he had the telltale iron taste in his mouth, a taste he’d unfortunately had a lot of experience of in the past. Ben looked past Callum and saw the imposing court building, grey and dark contrasted against the blue sky and sunshine. Swallowing the nerves the best he could he went to pay the taxi driver for the ride but Callum jumped in and did it first, leaning forwards and passing the money through the little hole in the perspex window. 

He sat back against the seat and turned to Ben, still holding his hand and asked him if he was ready to go. Ben looked back at him, fear creeping into his face but he nodded anyway, determined to go through with it. Callum smiled at him and held his hand tighter, ridiculously proud at his boyfriend and what he was willing to face. He pulled the handle on the door and opened it, he let go of Ben’s hand before stepping out and allowing Ben to follow him before he closed the door behind them and the taxi drove off to pick up another fare, the yellow light illuminating on the top of the roof. 

They stood looking up at the building and Ben instinctively reached his hand out to take Callum’s again, joining them together and threading their fingers. Callum gave his hand a squeeze and they stood there for a bit longer, he could sense the hesitancy radiating from Ben but eventually the younger man started to move, striding with purpose up the concrete steps and towards the door, Callum taking his cue and walking alongside him and matching him step for step. 

When they reached the entrance they walked through, the bright sunlight giving way to a dark interior. Old buildings seemed that much duller and colder than modern ones, the floor was worn and the walls needed a good clean. There were dark wooden benches and chairs dotted around the place and all the internal doors were the same dark mahogany colour of the seating. Ben noticed a monitor listing the cases happening that day and what court they were to found in and walked over to it, letting go of Callum’s hand as he moved and stood in front of it to read. 

**_The Crown vs Day: court 3_ **

Next to it was a small map outlining where each court was located and after studying it for a moment Ben took off in the right direction while Callum fell behind and was still checking out which way they needed to walk. He caught up to Ben quickly though, his longer legs giving him the opportunity to close the gap and they reached the entrance to the court together. In a plastic sleeve stuck to the wall was the same writing as on the monitor in the entrance hall telling them they were in the right place. 

The door was already open and Ben peered in to see if anyone else was inside yet. They decided to get there earlier than it was listed to start, wanting to make sure they could get a seat as once they room was filled up they closed the door to the public. There were only a few other people already inside, a man and woman who looked to be in their late forties and they were sat talking to a barrister. Ben realised they were Michael’s parents, he’d only met them a few times before during their relationship and wondered if they would recognise him if they saw him. He took a step back, out of their view and looked at Callum who was looking at him confused. 

“There’s Michael’s parents, sitting over there” he said as he pointed round the corner of the door, Callum stuck his head in and glanced at them, noting that the dad looked a bit like Michael. 

“It was always likely they were going to be here, but you don’t have to talk to them Ben”

Ben nodded, he knew it was almost certain they were going to attend, but it still made him falter when he saw them, not prepared to see them already sitting there when he arrived. After a moment of contemplation he took a hold of Callum’s hand again and lead him into the room, quickly walking to the back row and sitting down, hoping Michael’s parents didn’t turn round and notice him. He was in luck, they were too busy talking to the barrister that they weren’t taking in their surroundings so they were able to sit down without being seen. 

Ben’s leg started to bounce up and down again, the longer they sat waiting the more it moved. He went to instinctively chew at his thumbnail but Callum got a hold of his hand and drew it to himself, holding it there and preventing Ben from doing anymore damage to the flesh around it. Ben turned and smiled at him, grateful Callum was there and that he was looking out for him. 

Some more people filtered in and took a seat, Ben had no idea if they were people who knew Michael or Sam or if they they were just nosey and sat in on any old case. Eventually a couple walked in together, grasping a hold of one another and holding on to each other for support. Ben figured they must be the boyfriend’s parents, checking to see if their son would get some justice. They walked to the front of the court and sat down near where some official looking people were and they turned around to greet them, shaking their hands and touching them lightly on their shoulders. 

They were the last people to enter the room and Ben heard the door being shut, he turned around towards the noise as it shut loudly and felt his heart beginning to race, knowing that any minute now Michael was going to walk into the room. He turned to face back to the front and the quiet murmur of talking that been a constant noise in the room stopped and someone stood in the corner of the court, informing everybody they had to stand up for the entrance of the judge. 

Ben pushed himself off the uncomfortable wooden bench and stood, his legs slightly wobbly and unsteady all of a sudden, Callum was stood right next to him, his fingers ghosting Ben’s and letting him know he was there with him. On the instructions of the judge they all sat back down as the defendant was lead in. Ben’s breath seemed to catch when he set eyes on Michael again, he looked the same as he always did, confident and well put together. Ben felt himself sliding down slightly in his seat, wanting his head to get lower and to hide in case Michael happened to look his way. 

Michael was looking at his parents though and then looked at Sam’s parents too. Ben couldn’t work out the look he was giving them but he looked as though he as aiming for sincere. He was still standing in the dock and the judge informed him he could sit too while the prosecution and defence made their opening speeches, the defence went first, a middle aged man stood and started to speak, turning around to the judge, jury and members of the public to make his case. 

Ben tuned out as to what they were saying, he was too interested in looking at Michael and watching him as his defender laid out his speech. The confident look he had on his face had faded, and he was looking down at the ground thoughtfully, glancing towards the jury every now and then to make eye contact and attempt to connect with them. He was always good at that, he was good with people, making himself likeable and popular. He’d done it with Ben and his family, all of them loved him because he seemed so open and genuine. He wondered if the jury would fall for it, he glanced over and looked at one of the women and she was looking at Michael with a soft smile on her face rather than concentrating on what the barrister was saying. ‘Damn’ Ben thought to himself, ‘looks like he’s got one juror on his side already’. 

The defence finished their opening speech and then it was time for the prosecution to have their turn. Ben watched Michael the whole time, noticing how his facial expressions changed with whatever the barrister was saying. He kept trying to catch the eye of the juror who smiled at him but she was concentrating on what was being said so he started to look around the court room instead. Ben tried to duck down, to tear his eyes away from that direction but he couldn’t. As Michael’s eye line was heading his way he was powerless to look away or hide. 

Michael almost did a double take when he saw Ben sitting there, not quite believing that he was in the room. Ben felt his stomach drop as he made eye contact with him, their eyes locking and it felt as though the rest of the room faded away. All there was were the two of them and it felt like Ben could reach out and touch him, that the fifty plus people in the room had vanished. It was as if Ben had forgotten how to breathe, all the oxygen had left his lungs and he started to feel lightheaded. He saw a smile tug at the corner of Michael’s mouth and he started to feel sick, just then he felt a hand on his knee, gently gripping at it. He looked down to where it sit on his leg and then looked up to who it belonged to. Callum was smiling at him and then he rubbed his hand reassuringly on Ben’s thigh, knowing how important it was to break the contact between Ben and Michael, knowing his boyfriend needed him to bring him back to him. 

Ben smiled back at him, grateful that he was there to intervene and when Ben looked back towards Michael he was staring back at him harshly, the small smile that was creeping on his face had disappeared and he turned to look back at the prosecution barrister who was still making this opening statement. Ben let out the breath he had been holding, relieved that Michael no longer had his attention on him and he looked towards who was currently addressing court, he could feel that Callum’s hand was still touching his knee to remind him he was there and he placed his hand on top of it. 


	7. Chapter 7

Listening to evidence was hard. They’d made it through the first day and some of the details the pathologist told the court made Ben wince with how similar Sam’s injuries were to ones he’d sustained himself. At one point during his evidence Ben had wanted to get up and run way, the cold manner in which they were being explained didn’t have any effect on most of the people in the room, but each picture they displayed as exhibits brought back painful memories as Ben remembered all the bruises and marks left on his body during his relationship with his ex. 

When it got to the point when he felt like he couldn’t take anymore, about to bolt for the door to run and get some air Callum tightened his grip on his hand to remind him he was here now, that the injuries and pain were in the past. The tender touch made him feel safe and he gratefully turned to look at the man who continued to save him daily. Callum looked back at him and smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

It was tough for him too, listening to what this stranger had been through and knowing that much of it also happened to his boyfriend was gut wrenching. He remembered the trial of the man who killed his friend, remembered sitting there and listening to similar evidence and how hard that had been too, but at least she eventually got justice even if she wasn’t there to see it. Callum’s heart ached that Ben wouldn’t get the justice he deserved for the way Michael treated him, there was no way he would ever want to go to the police, not now so much later after the event. He hoped that if Michael was found guilty for this then maybe it would help Ben too. He guessed that’s what the counsellor meant when she talked about closure. 

By the end of the first day Ben was feeling emotionally exhausted, hearing what the victim had been through brought back so many bad experiences and feelings that he’d gone through too. As Michael was led away back to the cells for the night he didn’t look as confident as he had that morning when he first laid eyes on him. He made eye contact briefly, a blank look on his face as he turned around and held Ben’s gaze for a moment before the prison guard tugged at his arm to hurry him up. 

Ben felt relief that he could get up and walk out of the court, he was free to go wherever he wanted and do whatever he pleased. Michael was being locked in a cell trapped in a world he didn’t want to be in and it felt appropriate, how trapped and isolated Ben had become with the man and it felt like just desserts. Being locked up was nothing compared to what he’d been through and it wouldn’t make up for the year of his life he lost at the time and the time he’s lost now as a result and it definitely wouldn’t bring back the poor boy who was killed. But seeing Michael being led away, it made him feel safe. 

As the general public were led out of the court Ben was looking forwards and not really paying attention to anything, Callum was still holding his hand he knew that, but all of a sudden he heard his name being said loudly. He tuned his head and was surprised to see Michael’s parents standing next to where he sat, looking down at him, he felt himself tense up and he could feel Callum’s thumb start to rub softly over the skin on his hand.

“It is Ben isn’t it? You were Michael’s boyfriend weren’t you?”

Ben stood up then so he was on their level, he felt vulnerable with people towering over him and he didn’t feel like he had any control, Callum wanted to stand too but Ben gestured for him to stay sitting down, he was a barrier between the parents and Ben and that’s all he wanted right now. 

“Mr and Mrs Day, I’d say it was lovely to see you again but under the circumstance…”

“How have you been Ben?” 

“Yeah I’m ok, happy, this is my boyfriend Callum”

Michael’s mum smiled at him and nodded down to where the other man was sat being polite. 

“It’s so nice of you to come and support Michael, the things they’ve been saying about him are awful, we can’t believe anyone could say he would do those things”

She had tears in her eyes and was obviously upset but Ben felt the rage building up inside him. The room was pretty much empty now, just a couple of people that worked there hanging around to make sure all the people were leaving and they were hovering around the door waiting for the last four people to get out so they could lock up. Ben tried to keep himself as calm as he could but Callum could feel the tension radiating off of him, he put his hand out and tried to take Ben’s hand again but he pulled it out of his fingertips, briefly looked down at him and making the quickest of eye contact to reassure him he was OK. 

“I’m not here to support him, I’m here to make sure he’s found guilty”

The woman’s face dropped, her expression going from kindness to confusion in an instant and not understanding what Ben was talking about. 

“What do you mean? He didn’t do anything, he’s not a violent man like they’re making out, he’s never hit anyone in his life, he’s a lovely kind and gentle boy”

Ben was so angry, the anger threatening to burst out of him listening to this crap, that Michael was some innocent guy who wouldn’t hurt a fly. He tried to keep calm and measured but he was feeling anything but, he wanted to scream that he was a monster and a bully but he feared that if he started then he would get hysterical. Both of Michael’s parents were looking at him, waiting for him to respond and justify why he thought their innocent son was guilty. As calmly as he could he spoke.

“He hit me. A lot”

Their eyes widened slightly, trying to process what Ben was saying but still not being able to believe it. Their son was a nice guy, he would never do anything like that. And they said as much to Ben. 

“It started with a slap, then an elbow, punches, kicks…. He strangled me once and the last time he hit me before I left him he broke my arm, pinned me to the ground and kept thumping me, I couldn’t stop him, I couldn’t defend myself…. I thought… I thought he was going to kill me”

“That’s not t…”

“No that is true. He’s violent. Our whole relationship he would beat me and make me feel like it was my fault. I was the one who drove him to it. I said something wrong. I didn’t do something the way he wanted me to. He beat out of me any confidence and self worth I ever had and made me feel like I was completely unlovable and that nobody else would ever want me…”

Ben’s voice had started out measured but he couldn’t help but get upset as he spoke, his volume getting louder and by the end he was almost shouting from the emotions of speaking out loud how he really felt. The staff standing by the door were watching wide eyed and sympathetic, Callum was bursting with pride by how brave he was being and Michael’s parents were shocked. 

“He’s not a nice person, I’m sorry for you to have to know that about your son, but he belongs in prison. I’m going to have to live with the fact that he went and did this to someone else after I left him. If I’d been brave enough to go to the police and report what he did to me he might not have been able to hurt anyone else. And now a man is dead because of me”

The realisation of what he was saying hit him all of a sudden, that he was the reason Sam was dead and he was overwhelmed. He stepped over Callum’s legs and pushed past the couple standing shocked still looking at him and he ran off, out of the door and towards the toilets. Callum didn’t have time to react before he went and was stuck sat down still with Michael’s parents looking down at him. 

“You son needs to be locked away so he can’t hurt anyone again”

Callum stood up and announced before he gestured that he needed to go after Ben. He left them stood there looking distraught and contemplating what they’d just been told, devastated by everything Ben had said and how upset he’d been. It was hard to doubt he was telling the truth when he reacted like that and they wanted to go after him to ask him more questions, but they didn’t think it was a good time and that they should leave him be. 

Callum wasn’t sure where Ben went but as he passed the staff on the door they pointed out the toilets to him before saying they hoped he was OK. Callum nodded his thanks and went towards the door where he knew Ben was on the other side. He pushed it open slowly and walked in, Ben was standing at the sink looking in the mirror, his hands were gripping the white porcelain and he was staring hard at his own reflection. Callum walked over to where he stood, standing behind him and catching Ben’s eye in the mirror. 

Ben looked back, his eyes were red and puffy from crying. Callum reached his hand out and placed it on his shoulder, trying to smile at him but Ben couldn’t smile back. 

“It’s my fault he’s dead”

“It’s not your…”

“If I’d gone to the police about Michael, he might have been locked away and wouldn’t have been able to hurt anyone else”

“You can’t think like that Ben”

“But it’s true”

“I’m not going to lie, perhaps it’s true. If he was in prison he might not have met Sam. But that doesn’t make it your fault. You did nothing wrong Ben, he’s the guilty one and you can’t blame yourself.”

“I killed him”

“NO!” 

Ben’s eyes widened at Callum raising his voice, looking surprised at him in the mirror. The taller man regretted shouting but he needed Ben to understand. He turned him around so they were facing each other and put his hand on his cheek. 

“Ben, what that man did, how he treated you, it was awful. You are amazing and you’re strong, you got away from him. You’re so brave, I’m completely in awe and in love with you. What happened to Sam is horrendous and evil but it wasn’t your fault. You’re a victim too, if Michael hurt someone else before he hurt you would you blame them?”

Ben hadn’t thought about it before but he guessed he wouldn’t so he shook his head.

“You can’t blame a victim for something happening to someone else Ben. You weren’t in a good place, you were just trying to survive. I won’t have you taking the blame for this, this is Michael’s fault not yours, do you understand me”

He brought his other hand up to put it on Ben’s other cheek.

“It isn’t your fault” 

He leaned in to rest his forehead against Ben’s and closed his eyes, Ben copying the action and they breathed in deeply together. Callum’s calming presence immediately helping to make Ben feel better. 

“I’m so proud of you Ben”

Ben moved his head so their lips were touching and he kissed his boyfriend tenderly pulling back slowly, eyes still closed and just relaxing in his boyfriend’s touch. 

“I love you so much Callum” 

“Lets go home sweetheart” 

Ben opened his eyes and nodded, Callum already had his eyes open and was watching him, love radiating from them and looking at him as if he were some heavenly being. It still amazed Ben that someone could feel like that about him. To have this kind, funny, sweet and gorgeous man in love with him, it blew his mind. For so much of his life he didn’t believe he was worthy of this and now he had it he didn’t ever want to let it go. 


	8. Chapter 8

Ben went back to court each day and Callum took time off work so he could go too. He knew that after that first day Ben would be OK going alone, him saying out loud for the first time what he’d been through seemed to lift the weight off of his shoulders, but he still wanted to be there to support him regardless. 

The evidence and questioning seemed to get more difficult to listen to each day, Michael denied everything of course when it was his turn in the witness box. His whole defence rested on the ‘fact’ that Sam liked it rough, that it was a Sub and Dom relationship and any bruises and cuts were fully consensual. He pretended that his death was an unfortunate accident from a sex act that went wrong and he was devastated that it happened. 

Ben felt sick listening to the lies and he was distraught thinking about Sam’s poor parents having to sit there and listen to the sordid made up bullshit from the man that killed their son. He didn’t know Sam, he didn’t know what he was into, but he knew Michael and he was never once into anything like that, even when he was beating him it was never a sexual thing, it was pure anger and rage that brought about the violence, not a turn on. 

During a lunch break on the fourth day Ben decided to go and talk to them, Callum asked if he wanted him to go with him but he declined and asked him to go buy them some lunch instead. As he walked towards the broken couple he glanced over to where Michael’s parents were sitting, they looked back at him and nodded slightly. He hadn’t spoken to them since his outburst on the first day, but each time in passing they either smiled or nodded at him and it reassured him that they believed what he told them. He didn’t know that they were too ashamed of the way their son treated him that they didn’t know what to say or how to talk to him. 

When he was stood in front of Sam’s parents he cleared his throat quietly to get their attention and they looked up to where the noise came from before they stood up to talk to him. 

“Mr and Mrs Redman, I’m so sorry about your son”

“Thanks…”

“Ben, I’m Ben. I wanted to say don’t let what Michael said get to you. You know who your son was and don’t let any lies he tells change what you thought about him”

“He was a good boy, he isn’t like what he says”

“I’m sure he was, I just wanted you to know that people can tell what’s true and what are lies a mile off”

“Thank you, how did you know Sam?”

Ben ducked his head down, not sure if he should say anything but he felt Mrs Redman reach her hand out and take his hand in hers where she held it and stroked it softly. He looked up from the floor and saw her smiling sadly at him. 

“You didn’t know Sam… you used to date Michael as well didn’t you” Ben nodded and she gripped his hand a little bit tighter, “I’m so pleased you managed to get away and be safe Ben, I’d hate what happened to Sam to happen to anyone else. I hope you’re living your life and happy now?” Ben’s eyes started to well up and a tear spilled down his face but he managed to nod, “good, you deserve to be happy, we all do. You take care and thank you for coming over and talking to us” she let go of his hand and pulled him into a hug instead and it was almost too much for him. This beautiful and sweet lady lost her son and doesn’t blame him at all, in fact she was comforting him and thanking him. He gripped her tightly and hugged her hard before pulling back and smiling at her. She glanced to her left and saw a man watching them, holding a couple of sandwiches. 

“Is that your boyfriend?”

Ben looked to where she was looking and saw Callum looking worriedly at him, “yeah, he saved me, in more than one way”. 

“He looks kind”

“He’s the best”

“You take care of each other OK, and be safe”

He nodded at her and then the dad, who hadn’t said a word during the whole exchange, stuck his hand out towards Ben and he put his hand out back and shook it, the dad’s lips quivered and his eyes tried not to cry. He silently held his hand there for a moment and then pulled it away again before putting his arm around his wife and they both turned to walk away from him to go towards the coffee shop to get something to eat. 

Callum watched them go and walked over to where Ben was stood, worried about what might have been said and how Ben would be feeling, scared in case they’d upset him somehow. But Ben was calm, he had a soft smile on his face and he looked the most relaxed he’d seen him in a long time. 

“They didn’t blame me”

“Why would they?”

“I thought they would, I was so ready for them to be angry at me, but she was the sweetest lady, she said she was pleased I was OK and managed to get away from him”

“She sounds like an amazing person”

“I honestly thought she’d hate me”

Callum tuned Ben to face him, using his hand to guide his face to look in his direction, “sweetheart, I told you it wasn’t your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have to start believing that now.” Ben nodded, finally starting to let it sink in that he wasn’t to blame. Callum wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, the sandwiches getting somewhat squashed, but Callum needed to hold him as much as he needed to be held. Eventually they pulled apart and went to sit outside in the sun to eat their less than appetising lunch until the afternoon session started. 

When the day was done it was the end of the trial, there were more lies from Michael, pretending that he was an upstanding citizen and didn’t do anything wrong. Ben wanted so badly to stand up and shout that he was a liar, tell everyone what he did to him but he knew it was fruitless, there was no point and all he would do was to draw away the attention of the jury from working out Michael’s lies. He didn’t need to intervene though, the prosecution did a good job at pulling apart his stories anyway and making him look stupid in the process. They had also found a witness who said that they saw him grab Sam’s chin and shout in his face when he thought nobody was looking and Ben’s chin hurt at the memory of if happening to him with the cruel fingers digging in while he screamed at him.

The closing statements from both sides seemed to last an age, but Ben thought the defence was weak, they probably realised their case was lost at that point and it seemed half hearted to say the least. Ben took the chance to look at Michael and he looked scared. It might be the first time he’d ever seen him look like that the whole time he knew him. There was a twinge of something in his heart for him, he didn’t know what it was and he stamped it down as soon as he felt it, but once upon a time he felt like he had been in love with the man. Ben wondered how his life would have been different if Michael had stayed the sweet guy he was in the very beginning when he first met him rather than the monster he became. 

He turned away from Michael and looked at Callum, his heart swelling with love for the man who loved him more than the earth. Ben now started to feel the bright light from him start to rub off on him, the cold darkness from his own soul seemed to be warming up and the influence of having and feeling true love was changing him for the better. The sad and scared man he used to be was breaking away and emerging from underneath was someone who was happy and starting to come to terms with his past. Callum did that, he was special and he changed Ben’s life for the better. As if he knew what Ben was thinking, Callum turned and smiled at him, his grin lighting up a room even in the darkest of times. 

When the closing statements were done the jury went out to consider the verdict, the judge adjourned for the day and told everyone to go home. Nobody knew how long it would take for the jury to come to a decision but Ben was prepared to come back to court everyday until they had. He and Callum went home that night and had a somewhat relaxing night in. Callum cooked their favourite dinner and they enjoyed the chicken pasta curled up on the sofa together watching tv.

It felt like the whole nightmare was coming to an end, but there was still an underlying fear that Michael would be found not guilty and he would be back out and about and be able to hurt someone again. Ben was secretly scared that he could come after him since he saw him in court everyday but he didn’t tell Callum his fears as he was already worried enough about him.

They went to bed that night and just lay in silence, Callum on his back and Ben curled into his side with Callum stroking up and down his back. The rhythmic breathing in and out of Callum’s chest was relaxing to Ben and he felt himself begin to drop off, it was the first night since he found out about the trial that he didn’t have a nightmare and they both slept soundly until the alarm woke them up in the morning. 

It was the first morning that Callum offered Ben something to eat and he accepted it, he was relieved that his boyfriend was finally starting to eat breakfast again, he hadn’t since that morning nearly two weeks ago, surviving on just coffee up until now. After they finished they got ready to leave, as they were walking out of the door and locking the flat up to go to court, Kathy walked past and saw them dressed up and looking smart. Just as Ben had the door shut and walked to where Callum was waiting for him she approached them. 

“Going anywhere nice? You’re looking very smart today”

Ben answered her before Callum had a chance to jump in and deflect the question, “court… Michael’s on trial for killing his boyfriend and we think the verdict will be in today”

Kathy’s mouth dropped open and her eyes opened wide in shock, surprised by the news, “oh love are you ok?”

“I’m OK mum. Really, I feel good”

He took Callum’s hand and started to pull him away as they were going to be late if they stood there chatting any later, “we’ll see you later mum, don’t worry” he threw over his shoulder as they rushed down the street towards the tube station. When they got there, rushed through the barrier and got on a train, standing room only of course, Callum looked at Ben curiously while he looked back. 

“What?”

“You ok sweetheart?”

“Why wouldn’t I be babe?”

“Telling your mum about the trial, are you really ok? You know you’re going to have to talk to her later about it”

“I’ll tell her the edited highlights, but yeah I’m ok. I finally feel like this is it you know, I can move on, I can put all this behind me, behind us”

He grabbed Callum’s hand, brought it to his mouth and kissed the back of it. Callum smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him in the middle of a crowded tube carriage, feeling like they didn’t have a care in the world for what felt like the first time in their relationship, he pulled back and allowed Ben to snuggle into him as they swayed along with the tube's movements, heading towards something which could change their lives. 

When they got off at the other end and reached the court Ben’s mood might have dampened slightly but he was still feeling confident. They walked up the still imposing steps and into the dark building and headed towards court 3 which had felt like home for the last few days. They sat in their usual seats and waited, the clerk announced that the jury were still making their deliberations and they figured it was just a waiting game. As the morning moved on though Ben started to feel a little more worried. 

“Why’s it taking so long babe?”

“I don’t know”

“It’s obvious he’s guilty isn’t it? Shouldn’t they know that straight away? They shouldn’t he taking this long”

“Relax, they have to go over the evidence, consider everything, even when it’s obvious it takes time. When my friend’s ex was found guilty it took a day for them to come back with the verdict, don’t worry”

Ben seemed placated by that and they settled back down to wait, Ben leaning against Callum and the older man’s arm draped over his shoulders and rubbing his arm. A few hours later the clerk returned to say that the jury had made their decision and Ben sat up straight, feeling tense and sick all of a sudden. Callum told him to breathe and try to relax, they couldn’t change anything and hopefully it was the verdict that everyone wanted to hear. 

As the judge, defence and prosecution teams and then Michael were led back into court a hush fell over the room. Michael sat looking down at the ground while the jury filed back in and sat down. The judge asked the foreman to stand and asked if they had reached a verdict that they all agreed on and he confirmed they had. Ben reached out and grabbed at Callum’s knee, his fingers digging in with how tense he felt and when Callum put his hand over it, Ben’s grip loosened and instead he let Callum thread their fingers together while the judge asked the jury what their verdict was. 

It felt like an age waiting but eventually the foreman announced “guilty” and there was an audible gasp in the court. Ben released the breath he’d been holding and tried to choke back the tears but he failed and they started to fall down his face as Callum pulled him into a hug. The pure release he finally felt in that moment was incredible and while it wasn’t justice for what he’d done to Ben, it felt like it almost could have been, that Michael was being punished for hurting someone, showing him that how he was and what he did was wrong. 

The judge made his final summing up, telling the court that he was a violent and dangerous man and the jury were correct in their decision, he then sentenced Michael to nine years in prison for the manslaughter of Sam Redman. As he was led away he looked in complete shock, not believing that he had been found guilty, he looked to his parents briefly and they looked sad, he was still their son no matter what he did and they didn’t understand how it had come to this. He also searched out Ben, knowing he’d been there everyday and when he saw him he was hugging Callum. It was the last thing he saw before he was taken down and out to the van that would deliver him to his new home for the next nine years. 

Ben saw him go out of the corner of his eye while he was embracing Callum and he felt nothing for the man, no sympathy, no sadness, just nothing. He’d spent so much of his life caring and thinking about people that weren’t worth it, he finally reached the point where enough was enough. Michael tried to ruin his life, he’d so nearly succeeded, but he’d managed to survive. He felt like it was start of a new life for him and he hoped that the pain he carried with him could begin to disappear. As Callum pulled back from the hug to look at him he wiped the tears from Ben’s face, Ben hiccuped slightly through the tears and Callum asked him if he was OK. 

“Just relieved, like its over you know”

Callum did know, he felt the same when his friend’s killer was found guilty and he shed similar tears at the time. He leaned towards him and kissed Ben on the nose and he could sense him smiling back at him before he pulled back. Ben noticed Sam’s parents walking past and they looked as relieved as Ben did, they gave him a small smile as they walked past and carried on outside to try to rebuild their lives. Ben watched them leave and wondered how they would be able to get over what happened, it was too much to live and he tried to imagine his own family and how they would feel if they were them. He shuddered at the thought of what could have been but then he was brought back to the room when Callum spoke to him,

“What do you want to do now sweetheart?”

“I really don’t know, I haven’t thought past this moment honestly”

“How about a Chinese and a movie?”

Ben grinned and kissed Callum on the lips, “you know me so well” he whispered against Callum’s face. Callum pulled away to take in the other man’s face and beamed back at him, overjoyed to see a genuine and real smile on Ben’s face for the first time in what seemed forever. Ben stood up and reached his hand out towards his boyfriend, Callum put his hand out and let Ben take it and pull him up. They walked from the court, through the gloomy entrance hall and back out into the bright sunlight together, hand in hand and looking to the future. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think this might be the end of Ben and Callum in their little world. I know it's been angst heavy so thanks for sticking with it. I'll never say never about revisiting them if I think of another scenario but for now I think they should be allowed to be happy for a bit 😂. 
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments over the series, I appreciate every single one of them.


End file.
